Damn You Pink Floaties!

Took Al to the local public pool yesterday, and had I not been so self flippin conscience there would be pics, but I was and theres not. So he's got his pink Bratz floaties on and he can't understand why no one will play with him! I'm dyin trying to coax him out of them. Not happening.

He becomes indignant when the lifeguard informs him he cannot go down the super slide with the floaties on. The pink Bratz floaties. He marches over to me, with his little pink wings wagging and says "Mom, (Now remember, he's as big as a cell phone) those big guys over there won't let me go down the slide." ON POINT ---What big guys honey, where, which ones, show me...

After awhile Al wagged over to where I was working on my melanoma, and sat on the chase with me, claiming kids were "bullying" him. Would someone turn that spot light off, I'm getting ready to act like a hard ass here, I need to concentrate on my lines...
"Look buddy, If your going to wear the floaties, you have to understand what they represent to all these kids who aren't wearing them. They represent a time in their lives when they were less independent, less able to make their own choices, still clinging to their moms and or dads for security. Floaties are a symbol of dependency to them Al, while in all actuality floaties help you to be more independent, these kids don't get that yet, their time spent wearing them is still too fresh in their minds. So if your going to wear them, you will be wearing them alone, got it?"
(See how I totally avoided the pink, and the Bratz thing, smooth huh?)

Al wagged off with his head hanging, and I regreted sobriety for a nanosecond, wanting to run him down, scoop him up, and yell at all the little "bullys" and the "Lifeguards" too because wasn't it THEIR fault? See what I mean about innocent bystanders. I mean how in the hell do we let our children go without it killing us in the process?
Thirty minutes later when I went outside the fence to smoke (like a leper, but that's another post entirely) I'm seaching for Al to let him know my exact coordinates, but can't find him. I CAN'T FIND HIM, I see the pink Bratz floaties on the side of the pool, but no Al anywhere! "Al!" "Al!" "Al!" When one of the little "Bullys" comes up to me and says (This kills me, the ma'am part, really) "Ma'am, your little boy is in the pool" and points to Al-in the pool-playing and having a good time-sans pink Bratz floaties!

What was I saying an hour ago: "Floaties represent a time when they were less independent, less able to make their own choices, still clinging to their moms for security. Floaties are a symbol of dependency, while in all actuality floaties help you be more independent."
Hmm, I wonder if these things would fit me?