The Shame Posts

Finally the house is asleep.
The highway hums through an open window, breaking the darkness into degrees. There is a thick wedge of guilt residing between my son and I, limiting my ability to embrace him fully. I never understood the true meaning of shame, until the state took my children. Throwing the word around with all the other good buzz words of the 80's. It's now a life sustaining organ. Sacrificing one to save the other. Is this what the Jew mothers felt? I fear Iv'e reached that familiar place of self protection again, as if I couldn't possibly write another word. I know women who have lost children to diseaase and death. Agonizingly slow, heartbreaking death. These women shattered, healed, and are forever changed in a way that only the death of a child can change you. I don't meet the criteria to be in their club. How selfish am I to wish for the closure only death inevitably brings? More shame to add to my spectacular collection.