Just Keep Swimming

I am drained as hell from the last few posts. I had written a ton this morning from 7-11, and then this crappy computer crashed yet again. Lost. I took it as a sign to take Al to the local hippie arts festival in Paseo. My favorite place logistically speaking. It was really good, seeing old friends and getting ideas for projects I'll get around to working on when he's in college. We came home to a letter from TANF in the mail saying we were no longer eligible for any assistance other than $10 a month in food stamps. All I could do was go to the bathroom, turn on the shower and cry. I'm tired of trying to figure out a way to do this. There I am carrying my 7 year old kid, because we can't afford a mobility scooter for long outings, and they cut us off. It's not the governments responsibility to support me and my child. I'm not stupid, I know how this sounds, like all I want is a hand out, that's not it at all. I'd trade food stamps any day for a decent job, quality child care, and a six month reprieve before they started penalizing me for working. It's just tough as hell on a kid being in the system. I have to make choices for him, not me. How many moms live off welfare and are not home with their kids every night? Too many. Welfare allows me to be there for Al, but not very comfortably at all. Now, I have to decide what's more important, keeping him in a safe neighborhood or eating.
Poor people don't live in dangerous neighborhoods because they want to, they live there because they have to feed their kids. I had thought this was behind us now, but as long as I'm on public assistance they call the shots, and if they say we only qualify for$10 in food stamps I'lll be hard pressed to show otherwise. I could have lied about how much money there was, but I have to believe that's not how I'm meant to live my life today. Not to mention how I want to raise my son. I am in the Assited Homeowners Program through HUD, but don't have the extra money to clear up the medical bills yet so I can qualify for a loan. I have a perfect track record (so far) with my rental history, (Except for the eviction from their father.) My "Free Will Astrology" Horoscope for this week says: 'I must vow to never again tolerate a relationship with anyone who treats me with chronic disrespect'. Al's dad does not pay child support, and it's humiliating. I used to get angry about it, but that only hurts Al. We are supposed to go to trial in September, but that wont make him love his son like a father should. If five years in juvenille court doesn't change a man enough to want to take care of his child, nothing will. He's lost to us, just like Athena.