Invisible Hurt

We are all hard on ourselves as mothers, it goes with the territory for some fucked up reason. I didn't bond with Al until he was 3 months old. His dad went to Las Cruces to move his brother back to OKC (to live with us no doubt) and while he was out there they both got the flu. I hate to admit it, but up until that point I was sure this strange creatures mother was going to knock on the door any day to pick him up from a really long visit. I did not feel "It" the "It" that all the books had described, all my friends seemed to feel, and even the slight "It" that I knew Al's dad felt. I knew the whole thing, the me being someones mom thing, had been a huge mistake. Al's dad was insane leaving the house, let alone the state, with me in charge of this fragile little life that had come into the world so sick and small. I would fail. I was terrefied, so scared I remember that first night, I didn't know what to do, where to put him down to sleep. His dad had taken full responsibility for Al after he was born, and in doing so robbed me of the right to grow up and become my sons mother. It was time to take back my right, a right I would give away, and have taken away by this man numerous times before I would finally choose to be a mother over anything else. Al slept with me that night, and I remember the feeling the next morning looking into his beautiful face, touching his warmth, breathing in his Al-ness. (Which I still tell him and it's true, he smells like angels in the morning) I had fallen eternally and unconditionally in love with my child.
I have chosen to stay single, not because I hate men, but because my choices in them are so poor. I pick the ones who fail me and in turn fail Al. He deserves as much as the next child, no more, no less. So I've done this alone, rather than increase his pain.
I let his dad hurt him to his face. Not just the usual invisible, no child support, mom's got all the stress, living off welfare, no money for shit, kind of hurt. But real, in his face hurt, that the man will never get because it will always be about him. I had placed a wall of distance and inconvenience between them, in order to protect Al from his fathers self centeredness. In honoring Al's wishes to know his father the flood gates were opened, and all I can seem to offer my child is a life preserver. A ring of hope from a woman who had been scared to death of you, hope that some how, someday the man that is your dad will see you not as an extension of himself, but as your own person full of grace.